Sometimes I need a vacation.

I really, really thought that once exams were over, I'd be in the clear. The end of stress. The beginning of a blissful winter vacation.

But alas and alack, I neglected to realize that once my last exam was written (Tuesday night) that all of life that I'd been ignoring for the past three weeks would hit me full force. I feel about sixteen times more stressed out than before, and thus about sixteen times more likely to just drink an amaretto sour and go to bed straight after work.

So I began focusing on next week, when all the Christmas shopping will be done, the music practices will be over and work will be on pause for a full seven days. Unfortunately, that dream is already dead. The past couple of days have been filled with phone calls from people who want me to paint their houses and/or care for their children during my one week of bliss.

And I finally understand why people take vacations. I just need to get out of here and have a few days where literally nothing will be expected of me. If only I had some money with which to make this a reality. Sigh, someday I'll have a real break. Really I will.

Sometimes I wish...

I love postsecret.

Sometimes I wish I could just sit down and have a long conversation with the creators of some of these cards. I think it would be a balm for my soul. Or something like that.

Sometimes Christians are ok...

These are fabulous. Check them out.

Sometimes it's inevitable.

Julie Anna: sleeping anywhere and everywhere since 1985.

I had two naps outside my own house today. Who needs to pay attention in Physics class anyway?

Sometimes Victoria is so silly!

First off, I should apologize for my pessimism of late. Whining is no fun for anyone. Except maybe the whiner. Anyway, I apologize and will attempt to refrain from such childishness for . . . a while at least.

That said, I should also mention that my good friend EJ and several others have managed to persuade me that the snow isn't all bad. I've even made some observations about the effects of said snow on my fair town. I am convinced that only in Victoria:

• does eight inches of snow shut down the entire city for a full day
• can you observe someone scraping snow off their car . . . with a kayak paddle
• does removing snow from the street mean piling it up two feet deep on the sidewalk
• do you see more adults frolicking in the snow than children
• does the front page of the paper feature scores of excited sledders, and the news turn into an hour-long weather report

Victoria is so funny. Anyone have anything to add to the list? The same probably goes for all you Vancouverites also, but at least you have more than two snow plows. I wonder when I'll be allowed to drive again . . .

Sometimes it sucks.

I hate snow. Sure it looks pretty out there, winter wonderland and all that crap, but snow just sucks when you have things you want to do.

Seriously, whose idea was this anyway? Since when does it snow in Victoria in November? Whatever happened to global warming? Yeesh.

Sometimes I want to quit.

It's 3am. I must be lonely.

Or frustrated.

Six GIANT cups of tea, zero hours of sleep and seven hundred and seventy three words later, I just want to quit and take a really crappy mark on my paper. But I shall persevere! And why? Because I put altogether too much stock into the numbers my instructors award me at the end of each semester.

Sad, but true.

Tomorrow, I shall sleep again.

Sometimes I can see the light!

I am beginning to see the light in so many ways!

1) Yesterday I went on French radio for the last time this semester.
2) Today is my last day of work at the crappy job!
3) Tomorrow at this time all major assignments for this semester will be complete.
4) This time next week I'll be scooting around town instead of walking in the rain (hopefully).

I am so almost there. Let's hope I can make it all the way!

Sometimes things change.

I just sent a letter of resignation to work. It was about three lines long. And I don't care. I'm going to be so happy when I'm done with this job! I was really tempted to tell them all about how I was leaving them for someone who would pay me more and give me better working conditions, but I refrained.

Meanwhile, my new job starts Friday, and I'm really excited. It's kinda in the middle of nowhere, however, so to get back and forth I'm thinking of buying one of these:

does that make me a total geek?

As for other fun things happening in my life right now: tomorrow I have two midterms and next week I have two papers due. Sure haven't started working on any of that stuff. On the more positive side, I wore rubber boots to work today. It made me happy, and reminiscent of the trek from the Guest House to camp. Oh the Guest House.

Also, today on Wheel of Fortune there are a lot of words ending in an apostrophe. What's up with that?

Sometimes now is not what I want.

I've never been good at living in the now. Especially when it's Monday or Tuesday.

Every week this semester at precisely 11:30 Sunday night, I have succumbed to an anxiety that makes me unable to eat, sleep, or enjoy life at all. I live through the following two days thinking only of Tuesday night at 9:30, when I can collapse on Kathryn's king sized bed and spend time with the girls.

So now it's Monday night. I'm half way there. The good life begins in less than 24 hours. I can do this.

(Julie desperately needs a different school schedule. What was she thinking???)

Sometimes my big brother is amazing!

Robby just read me his first ever poem, and I was completely blown away!!! It's inspired by a book that I got him for his birthday, called Confessions of an Economic Hitman. I wish I could put the whole thing up here, but I didn't ask him for permission, so I likely shouldn't do that. I just wanted everyone to know how proud I am of my big brother!

And, even more exciting: his mystery girlfriend is coming to visit in less than two weeks! I guess she's not that much of a mystery since he never stops talking about her, but none of us have met her yet. So that should be good fun. Anyone have any good ideas about how I can embarrass him? Besides bringing out all the photographic proof that he never wore a single pair of pants before the age of six...

Oh, I just can't wait!

Sometimes it's ok to be irresponsible.

Yesterday was a wonderful day of irresponsibility. After going out for lunch with all the church peeps, I went to the mall and spent all kinds of money I don't have on things I don't need. I did, however, buy a pair of jeans that were the same size that I wore in junior high. I love it when stores do their sizes differently! From now on I'm buying all my pants at Ricki's.

I've never been a therapeutic shopper before, but I think I might become one. After a rough Saturday, yesterday made me feel great!!!

Also, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of this blog AND the one hundredth post! How's that for coordination?

Also also, it's COLD outside! When did that happen? I'm going to have to figure out how to dress myself for this new weather. Yeesh.

Sometimes it's just so good

Is there anything better than the feeling you get right after a particularly stressful midterm? Ahhhhhh.....that's all I can say.

Also, I really like how much time I've been spending with the girls these days. And just the friends in general. I'm so much less lonely this year! Here are some pictures of the people I'm enjoying this year:



















Also too, I'm going to the vdot this weekend and I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone again! Life is good today. I wish it was like this always!

Sometimes it hardly seems worth it.

Is it bad that I want to drop my favourite class just because of one assignment that's stressing me out?

I hate it when things like this get the best of me. I've spent many hours stressing about it, and haven't gotten a single word down on paper. For all the time I've spent thinking and worrying about it, I could have finished many times over. What's wrong with me???

I really really hate this. I'm so done with school.

Sometimes I Just Want to Sleep.

I am having an extremely hard time motivating myself this semester. I don't really know what's wrong. I've got lots of time (but not too much) for homework, I really enjoy my classes and find them interesting, but for the life of me I just can't make myself sit down and get things done. All I ever want to do is nap. Or sleep in. Or both.

Even when I get myself out of bed I'm really good at finding other, less productive things to do. Seriously, why can't I just be motivated and dedicated and all those great things that a student is supposed to be? This is so ridiculous.

Maybe I should just go back to bed.

Sometimes life is crazy

Today was a long day, though not as long as it should have been. I was crazy enough to take a 7am shift this morning, knowing that I also had school from 11-9:30. Yeah. Good move, Julie.

However, despite its early hour, I loved work this morning!!! I got to do kindie care, which was a new experience for me, and so so great! School . . . well, it definitely was not so good. After falling asleep in my first class, I gave in and went home. That felt good.

I did manage to go back to school for my remaining two classes, and it was during that time that I began musing about the contrast of pleasures and pet peeves that seem to pervade each day. Here's my list for today:

Pleasures:

• Children's speech impediments ("What is tis? Some tind of jote??")
• Reading aloud
• Teachable moments
• Afternoon naps
• The ridiculous chalkboard drawings of Physics teachers
  
• Running into old friends on the bus

Pet Peeves:

• "number b"
• eyes that insist upon closing, no matter how sternly they are told to stay open
• waiting for the bus
• not enough sleep

That's all I have for now. It's so time for bed, since I'm off to student breakfast bright and early tomorrow morning. Good thing I actually like all these early morning things I'm doing this year. Now if only I could find that same love for school. . .

Sometimes it's just ho-hum.

Here I am, halfway through my first day of school, and I pretty much feel like I never left. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just interesting. I actually think I'm going to really like my classes this semester, even if I don't particularly like the times in which I have to take them.

As for my instructors: so far I have one spastic chalkboard writer from whom I know I'm going to learn many new words, and one young dad from whom I know I'm going to hear many baby/toddler stories. Both seem very interested in their subjects, and sincerely intent on making us interested in their subjects. This is a very promising beginning.

In other news, I put my back out this morning. How, you ask? Well. . .I coughed. That's right. I, a spry 21-year-old, put my back out by coughing. It's not a problem while I'm sitting, but every time I get up and attempt to walk, I find myself hunched over like a little old lady and grimacing with all I've got. I have to say, it's quite the attractive sight. So let's just hope that this lets up before I need to chase small children around for several hours tomorrow, shall we?

Sometimes it's not as good as you'd hoped.

Well, I got the job. They didn't even interview me. They pretty much just sat me down and started handing me paperwork.

Unfortunately I didn't get the hours I wanted. Or the site that I wanted. The bus is certainly going to become my best friend this year. But I guess I shouldn't complain. Work is work, and at least I get to play with kids! Good times.

Sometimes I'm too busy to post.

Ok, so I have been MIA for the past couple of weeks. But it's not my fault. After camps ended two weeks ago, I went to a wedding, cleared up some loose ends around the office and . . . well . . . went to yet another wedding.

Last Saturday, my cousin Justin got married in LA. His mom is the planning type, so much was accomplished in just six days. On our first day we received an itinerary, complete with maps and driving directions. Other than the wedding, the itinerary covered the following:

• family dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen
• the LA County Museum of Art
• the La Brea Tar Pits
• family dinner at my aunt and uncle's house in San Diego
• a visit to a retired aircraft carrier turned museum
• touring downtown San Diego
  
• two Padres' games
• boogie boarding
• the San Diego Zoo
• a fabulous comedy show

Before I left I was quite nervous, as I haven't seen much of that side of the family in a long time. But as it turns out, I have some fabulous cousins (and pseudo-cousins). I had a wonderful time!! Who knew?

Now it's back to normal life: school, work, and (hopefully) soccer. Though, strangely enough, I'm really looking forward to normal life this year. That's probably a good thing.

(Also, Lizzy gets home in just one week! Hoorah!!!!)

Sometimes It's Too Much

Another engagement.

I can't handle this anymore. . .

Will you marry me?

Sometimes It's Nice To Be Home

I went home this weekend, to enjoy a much needed three days off.

The first was filled with weddings.

The second was filled with food, family, and friends.

The third was filled with rest and relaxation.

It was definitely exactly what I needed. And above all that, I only had to share my house with two other people. Quiet, and as much time as I wanted in the bathroom. What more could I ask for? I think I'm ready for September.

Sometimes I've Had Enough.

I am so ready to be back in my own home. Or maybe to have my own house altogether. With no one else. And my own bathroom. And bedroom.

The introvert has arrived.

Sometimes Rain is Great

I love rainy Sunday afternoons. There's just something so calming about coming home after church, changing into sweats, and curling up with a good book. Mmm...love it!

Also, I've started to play the harmonica! I bought one in White Rock yesterday and am now determined to become a brilliant harmonica-ist. Or something. I love it, cuz it's about the geekiest thing this side of an accordian, and it's much cheaper. So here I go! Anyone have any good harmonica tips?

Sometimes there's not enough time to blog.

Funny how when there's nothing to say, one has time to blog endlessly, and yet when so much is happening, there is no chance to share it with loved ones. Yeesh.

Here is a rundown of the last week or so:

• got really sick, spent an entire weekend sleeping
• experienced that crucial day when everything at program just clicked - everyone knew what was going on and what they should be doing, and everyone was enjoying themselves
• took some kids to a Whitecaps game, where we saw Steve Nash
  
• realized in a panic that three of the six weeks of camp are over
• tried to help out a family who's involved with UP, and had an experience I probably shouldn't broadcast to the whole internet, but would love to share with you the next time I see you
• started a new book, which is rather superficial, but good for summer reading
• took some kids to the Steve Nash Foundation Charity Classic at GM Place, where we saw Steve Nash
• shamelessly pretended to have numerous connections to both Steve Nash and Nelly Furtado (they are both from my hometown, you know. And Nelly's dad did all the rock work in our back yard)
  
• randomly ran into friends from home at church
• played with the cutest three year old
• held an adorable two month old boy
• hung out with my brother, missed the rest of my family, and realized how much no one ever tells you when you're the baby of the family
• cursed the heat
  
• wished I had my own bathroom. . .or maybe my own house altogether
• dreaded tomorrow, the eleven hour work day
• wore a skirt for an entire day (this has never been done before!)
• wrote a long list of everything I did, which no one in their right minds would actually finish reading

Ok, that's it for now. I apologize for the lack of interesting tidbits, but at least I got something out there. Here's hoping I'll get better at this over the next three weeks. And here's knowing that I won't.

Sometimes It's Impossible

Balance? What's that? And how do you get it?

Camp's going really well, and I'm having a blast, but there doesn't seem to be much life outside of camp. But I guess that's how it goes sometimes.

On a brighter note, today is free slurpee day (since it's the seventh month and the eleventh day) and my roomies and I are about to set out on a city-wide 7-11 tour. Last year we went to about five different stores. . .I think we're planning on even more this year. We got a head start last night at 1am when we went for a preview trip. I really wonder why I never knew about this before last year. Go figure.

Sometimes it's not at all what you expect.

Today I worked from 7:30am till 6pm. It was fun, but oh boy was it chaotic.

As for my program, well...we had five kids and nine leaders. Not that this is going to be the norm, but as it was technically a holiday and also the first day of camp, attendance was down.

So basically I had to revamp everything that I've been planning for the past month. And I forgot to buy fruit.

And yet, despite the disastrous start, I feel pretty good. I had fun, and I have faith that things are going to pick up. Also, I don't start work until ten tomorrow. So that helps.

Here we go again...

Sometimes it's harder than you expect.

This summer I'm learning to juggle. It's a lot harder than I would have thought.

I'm learning to juggle past relationships with new ones, director duties with intern duties, and caring for others with caring for myself.

Three days in, and I already know that this is going to be a huge summer for learning. I'm excited and I'm scared. I can't wait to see how this all turns out.

Sometimes It's Too Hot

Today it was 33 degrees outside. And I played soccer. For an hour and a half. At one point I pushed too hard and my knees gave out and I did a face plant. That was embarrassing.

I got so hot by the end of the game that my friends actually convinced me to jump in Trout Lake. Something I swore I'd never do and am tempted to deny ever having done. Sick sick sick. But it felt good good good. And I saw a bunch of my favourite UP kids who were swimming too. So all in all it worked out pretty well.

Does soccer ever not turn out well?

I think not.

Sometimes It's Time for Change

I'm done! So totally done with school for this year!

And in two hours I head to Vancouver for the summer. Yipes! I am feeling so many different things right now I don't even know where to begin.

I am feeling:

• happy that school's done
• proud of myself for actually doing well in that class
• apprehensive about how the summer's going to go
• stressed out about packing
• unloved becuase no one really notices I'm leaving
• excited to see my kids and youths and friends in the vdot
• tired
  
• sore in the mouth
• confused!!

Those are far too many feelings. Yeesh.

Sometimes the fear is the worst part.

I went to the dentist today to get a couple of fillings. . .and left without two of my wisdom teeth.

I've been putting off getting my wisdom teeth out forever because I was totally terrified of the pain, but so far it hasn't been that bad. Hoorah for Tylenol 3!

Unfortunately, now I have to write a paper for my english class while on more drugs than I can count. Heck, I can barely write this post! I was planning on being much wittier, but at the moment I'm mostly just trying to keep my eyes open.

Also, as a side note, my friend Amber just called me! I love Amber! That made me very happy.

Ok, I'm done. Sleep time.

The Islands

This weekend g.mango and I went to the Gulf Islands for some much-appreciated relaxing. We saw many chickens, ferries, beaches and deer. We spent many happy hours at a market, in a hot tub, and reading books. But the highlight of the weekend was when g.mango sacrificed one of my flip flops to the ocean off Pender Island in an attempt to capture this starfish:





Here's my perfectly shaped flip-flop making its bid for freedom.












And here is one naked guilty foot...and the remaining lonely flip-flop.

Sometimes Weekends Are Great.

My sister and I went to the spa this afternoon. Body scrub, mud wrap/scalp and face massage, swedish massage...it's all in a day's work. We're thinking of making it a weekly routine.

I wish.

Now I'm making seven dozen cookies for a tea tomorrow that I can't go to. Oh the things we'll do for our friends. I hope they'll be enjoyed anyway.

Tomorrow evening I'm going to my third family dinner in a week. I'm starting to become desensitized to the chaos. Maybe that's a good thing. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Sometimes Boys Are Too Much Work.

I always sit next to the same guy in my English class. I really enjoy him, in a very platonic way (though I have to admit he is kinda cute). Today I found out that he's married, and I'm shocked at how much freedom that brings to me. I don't really think that's the way it should be, but I do think that's the way it is.

On the other hand, two of my good guy friends are in serious relationships. One of them is getting married this summer. Instead of feeling freedom, I feel frustrated. Frustrated and afraid that our closeness is going to be misinterpreted. I feel like I can't spend time alone with them anymore and that I'm going to lose a great friendship because of this.

Argh. Boys.

Sometimes I Feel Left Out

It's bike to work week here in Victoria. If I had a bike...or a job...I might actually think about participating.

So since I can't help save the environment, I decided to save a life or two instead. I gave blood this evening, and I think that you should do it too! It's super easy, and you can save someone's life! Seriously, what better things do you have to do with your time?? Also, I think you should all bug me to give more often...cuz I'm lazy about these kinds of things. So yes, let's all go save some lives!

In other news, I saw a picture of my parents' wedding today...it was the first such picture I've ever seen. I think that's a little weird, don't you?

Sometimes I Love Having A Full House

My sister is living at home right now, and I really love it! Seeing as she moved out when I was ten or eleven, it's quite a treat having her around.

Tonight, for instance, I was sitting in my room lamenting my boredom when I heard a knock on my door. It was my sister, wanting to know if I wanted to go to the bookstore with her!

1a) I love it when my sister asks me to go places with her. It's such a far cry from when I was six and she was thirteen and I couldn't even pay her to spend time with me.

2b) I love the bookstore! And Tim Hortons! Who knew my sister and I had so much in common?

3c) Unfortunately, we also both love baths. Which means the tub needs to be scrubbed every 27 seconds these days. But it's a small price to pay for having my big sister around again.

Sometimes It All Works Out.

I signed up to volunteer with my kids all summer, not knowing how I was going to pay for school next year.

THEN. . .

Last week they offered me a job. Today it was finalized! I get to help design a program that I get to direct this summer! I am very very excited. I love how things just work out like this sometimes.

Sometimes I Just Can't Do It

I have a paper due tomorrow.

Is it long? No, not at all.

Is it difficult? Not in the slightest.

Have I been too busy to do it? Not so much.

So why have I only written two paragraphs? Good question.

I know once I get started I can hammer it out in an hour or so. But for some reason I just can't get myself to start. Funny how when you're not as busy you seem to accomplish so much less. I wasn't made to take one class at a time.

Sometimes I'm Too Busy.

It's official. All of the wedding invitations are in. On August 5th I have a wedding at 1pm and another at 4pm. Good thing they're the only two that are in the same city.

Sometimes Plans Change

My aunt called this morning.

Evidently, my brother and sister and I are about to receive an all-expenses-paid trip to San Diego for my cousin's wedding. She was booking the flights and wanted to know how long we could stay.

There had been rumours of such a thing, but I was certain we'd been mistaken. Apparently not. Flights, hotels, tours, dinners. . .all paid for by my wealthy relatives to the south.

So apparently I'm going to San Diego for a week(ish) this August. Who knew?

I just hope I'm done UrbanPromise by then. . .

Sometimes I'm Lonely

Calling All Friends, Near and Far!
. . . especially far

You're done. Whatever you're doing wherever you are, you're officially finished. I miss you all too much and it is now time for you to move back (or, for some of you, move for the first time) to Victoria. What good is all this beautiful sunshine when so many friends are so far away? I think that everyone I love should live within a five block radius of my house. Sound like a deal? I thought so. And hey, if anyone needs a place to stay for a few days while they look for a house here, we do have a couple of spare rooms!

I'm so done with being lonely.

Sometimes I'm Confused.

How is it that I've fallen in love with city kids when I was born to live in the country? I spent a couple of days at camp this weekend, and it was so good. There is something so deeply, so profoundly spiritual to me about nature.

Lying on the sweet grass, gazing
through dappled apple leaves
to a perfect blue sky.
Being visited by a young buck,
his antlers merely buds, hints
of coming strength.
Watching shorn sheep graze languidly as red-breasted robins
perch on the smooth, bare backs.
Straining my ears and hearing nothing
but birds and breeze.
To me, this is perfection.
I wish I could share it with you.

Sometimes Days Off Are the Busiest

So far today -

bedroom: cleaned
kitchen: cleaned
living room: cleaned
dining room: cleaned

Still to come today -

me: showered
bathroom: cleaned
spare room: readied for Kailyn (yippee!!)
lunch: eaten
dogs: walked
mom: picked up
dinner: cooked, eaten
Kailyn: welcomed
youth group: entertained

I think I need to pick up the pace a little.

Sometimes I Don't Know How To React.

So I just ate some leftover Crispy Chicken Pecan Salad from Boston Pizza. I love leftovers and I was so excited to have my salad for lunch today. Unfortunately, my salad today was a little more than I bargained for. I was almost done when I flipped a piece of lettuce over to find a dead ladybug!!!!

Sick!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even know what to do with that. And I'm sad cuz I couldn't even finish my salad.

So not fair.

Sometimes There's Too Much To Say.

Luckily, a picture is worth a thousand words.






This is one of my favourite UP kids flying one of the kites I made at Camp Peace this past week. I had such a good break between Winter semester and Spring semester (which, by the way, started today). I saw so many people that I love!! I think that's the best way to spend any break.

Now to the serious stuff. You know, reading poetry (sigh), writing papers, doing laundry, cleaning, painting my room, walking dogs, working...but somehow the sunshine just makes everything else that much more bearable.

I can't wait for the real summer!

Sometimes the people I love are too far away.

Tonight I said goodbye to my best friend.

But just for the summer, thankfully.

My EJ is heading to Bolivia for three and a half months and though I'm happy she's getting to go back again, I will miss her so.

It's funny to think that the last time she left for Bolivia I cried as I watched her fly away, knowing that one part of my life had changed forever. Two days later I left for Kaleo. Now, two and a half years later there is still sadness, but it's a different sadness. I know the time will fly by and the two of us will be back together and as tight as ever in no time.

Much has changed in the last couple of years, but my EJ is still a beautiful, wonderful human being, and I still love her with all my heart.

Sometimes my weekend is not so restful.

I spent this weekend at Sylvan Acres with my Jr Youth group. I had a grand time...for most of the weekend. As long as I had my patience on, I was ok. And I must say that I have the most entertaining youth group EVER!

The one problem was this: apparently my kids didn't get the memo that they're supposed to fall asleep on the bus on the way back. Instead, we sang "200 bottles of beer on the wall" from Cowichan Lake to Duncan, "This is the song that never ends" from Duncan to Cobble Hill, and played One Minute Speeches the rest of the way. Also I'm wondering if I should have taught them the game Moooo (whenever you drive by a field of cows you open the window and yell "Mooo" as loud as you can. You get one point for every cow that looks at you). Thankfully we had a patient bus driver who didn't mind all the craziness.

So now that my kids have had their vacation, I'm off to Vancouver for a week before my spring classes start. I'm so excited to see my UP kids. Hoorah for Vancouver!

Sometimes I Just Know

Today was my first real teaching experience.

I loved it.

Love love love love love.

I just know this is what I want to do with my life. I can't wait to really get started.

Sometimes the Steplings Make Me Laugh.

this: Today was the most beautiful day ever! I'm so glad spring has finally arrived. To celebrate, Lizzy and I bought ice cream cones and went to Arbutus Cove to fly kites. I forgot how much I love Arbutus Cove. Also, I went in the ocean for the first time this year!!! That made me more happy than I can even explain. Then, once we realized there was no wind at Arbutus Cove, we headed down to Clover Point. There we ran into my grandpa and his wife, learned that we don't really know how to fly a kite, and bought 25 cent lemonade from some little boys along Dallas Rd.

that: After the kite-flying adventures had come to a close and I had returned Lizzy to her seemingly interminable state of studying, I headed over to my dad's house for Sunday night dinner. Tonight it was just me and the steplings (and Nikko, the step-foster-nephew), as both my brother and sister are MIA at the moment. I wish I had the words to explain my steplings to you, but they are definitely a phenomenon that must be experienced in order to be believed. But at least they're amusing. Sometimes I feel like I'm in some sort of reality-show-gone-wrong when I eat dinner with them. Tonight our greatest source of entertainment was a conversation between Jamie and Daniel about Jamie's current job responsibilities: namely, making dough. The rest of us laughed until we cried while the two of them nearly got themselves into a fistfight over some hilarious miscommunication. Who needs entertainment when there's family around anyway?

the other thing: When I got home from dinner my mom fed me strawberries and sugar. Today was a good day.

Sometimes it Calls to Me.

Tonight I took Aly and Lidia to Special Olympics soccer. All I wanted to do the whole time was run out on the field and start playing with them, but I wasn't sure they'd appreciate that. Especially given my propensity for slightly excessive agression on the soccer field.

You know that feeling when you are horrifically, unbearably, painfully lonely and you physically ache for human touch?

If not, I envy you.

Anyway, that's me with soccer lately. Except now I'm just horrifically out of shape and aching for soccer.

I am definitely planning on rearranging my entire life next year around being on a soccer team.

Also, I am infinitely thankful to the doctors who made it possible for me to play soccer. And walk. But especially play soccer. It's funny to think sometimes that if I had been born somewhere else in the world I would never have had the privilege to walk. Huh.

And this has been random soccer-related thoughts with Julie Anna. Tune in next time to hear Julie Anna ramble about bucketball.

Sometimes it Just Fits.

Today is Holy Saturday.

I always used to think of this day as a pause in the Easter story, when all the disciples had their sabbath, did their regular sabbath things and forgot about the fact that Jesus had just died. In my own self-centred world, I sort of subconsciously assumed that they knew (as I have always known) that the darkness was temporary, and that much greater things were coming.

Today I saw Holy Saturday for what it is.

Darkness, confusion, pain, grief, frustration, loneliness. Just imagine what this must have really been like for the followers of Jesus. You have left behind your entire life to follow this man because you know that He is Truth. You devote your life to Him and his teachings, radically rearranging not only your way of life, but your whole way of thinking, of being.

Then suddenly, everything you ever thought you knew crumbles. You find yourself wondering if you were wrong. If you had thrown away years of your life for a lie. You are ashamed at how quickly you turned from what once had been your sole reason for living. You feel betrayed. You feel confused. You are overcome with anguish. You can't even imagine life going on this way.

And yet somehow, there is this irrational belief, deep in the core of your being, that you are not wrong. That Truth is still Truth, no matter how little sense it makes. That Truth is still Truth no matter how much you're hurting. But the pain still blinds you. Still makes it impossible for you to act on your beliefs. You remain lost, and you don't know how to find your way out of this place of fear, loss, confusion and mourning. This place of darkness.

All my life I have struggled to really understand the Holy Days. "This year," I tell myself, "I will meditate on the resurrection of Christ and really feel the joy that I'm supposed to feel, at just the right moment." It has always been a point of contention between my mind and my heart that I could never create these feelings.

Today I felt Holy Saturday. Because it fit. I have been living in Holy Saturday for the last couple of years. Tonight, as my brothers and sisters in Christ shared this day of darkness with me, I felt so blessed. Tonight I felt a peace like I have not felt in a very long time. Not because the darkness is lifting, but because now I know that it's ok to be in darkness.

The light will come again.

Sometimes I Hate the Wind

So there you are waiting for the bus, looking like Cousin It because the wind is blowing in the wrong direction. Eventually you give up, and turn around to face the breeze, revelling in the freedom of being able to see and breathe.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a formidable gust of wind aims itself directly at the back of your head. It's power and precision ensure that every last hair attached to your scalp now resides inside your mouth, or maybe stuck to one of your eyeballs.

And you sigh and curse late busses and new haircuts.

_____________________________________________________________


However, on a slightly more fortuitous note, we made kites in math class today. Maybe Aly and I will fly mine tonight. Of course, by then I'm sure the wind will have stopped.

Sometimes I Don't Even Know My Best Friend!

This just in: EJ has a blog! And she didn't even tell me for so long!

I can't believe I was so out of the loop. Yeesh.

Sometimes I'm a Winner!

Tonight I actually won a free coffee with Roll up the Rim!

And it couldn't have been any more exciting, even if I actually drank coffee!

Though I must say it's about freaking time.

Also, I'm slightly concerned about how often Tim Hortons has come up in my posts as of late.

I don't really go there all that often, do I?

Things that make you go "hmm"

Sometimes I Get Too Bored

I spent most of the day in bed today. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Then, around 9pm I got so bored I resorted to the unthinkable: studying.

I threw on some sweats and stuck my greasy hair into a spiky ponytail (this new haircut is so not conducive to ponytails) and headed off to Tim Hortons to learn about augmented matrices and Canadian history. I wasn't so worried about my appearance, because really, who's going to see me?

You want to know who? Let me tell you.

• Marsha, from choir. She was also in pyjamas, so I didn't feel so bad.
• Jill, who used to go to my church. (I think she's actually at the other campus of my school, but she might be at UVic...I'm not sure)
• Tamzin, whom I haven't seen since Jr High.
  
• Rebecca, from my French class who I'm trying to be friends with.

Seriously.

And they didn't even have any chocolate danishes.

Sometimes I Wish I Was Six.

Which is probably why I like babysitting so much, despite the fact that I'm supposed to be "too old" for it.

Tonight I got to play some sort of whacked-out chess game where Furby was a rook, a bionicle was a knight, and some sort of headless crocodile (alligator?) was a pawn. Though Graeme's actually starting to learn the rules of the game (read: almost understands how a pawn can move), which is fun. And I somehow succeeded in producing check-mate, which I've never done in my life! And please don't ruin my fun by reminding me a) that it was a fluke or b) that I was playing against a six-year-old.

After all the chess-related fun, we practiced counting money (what, teach? who, me?) and then watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire from the tent in the living room. I was quite surprised that Graeme didn't get scared at all, but that's probably because he didn't quite understand what was going on. Every time someone died he just said "Oooohhhh...he was petrified!"

Unfortunately, poor Chantelle is so sick that she spent most of the night in bed and couldn't join in on all the fun. She did watch a bit of Harry Potter with us, though, the fanatic that she is.

So yeah, all that to say that I like kids. Maybe that's what I should be when I grow up. A kid. Do you need to go to school for that? Hmmm...

Sometimes I Love Math

I especially love the math class I am taking right now. I built an icosahedron today. It looked like this:

Only mine was purple and blue. It makes me happy. It also makes other school-goers jealous. That's right, I'm getting credit for this. Take that!

I can't wait to be an elementary school teacher.

Sometimes I'm Too Curious

So here goes. Roll your eyes as you must, but I'd like to know what you think.

Click here, please!

I saw this on g.mango's friend ~m's blog and I've been curious ever since.

Sometimes I Love Health Food.

Tonight's snack:

1 bottle of coke
1 chocolate danish from Timmy's

Tasty, filling, AND covers two major food groups:

1) coke product
2) chocolate

What more could you want in an evening snack?

Sometimes I Wonder. . .

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. . .apparently.

So I guess my question is: where is the Spirit of the Lord these days?

Because I need some of His freedom. Desperately.

Sometimes Mathematical Language is So Excessive

The following is one of the topics on my math exam outline:

"Provide the solution in parametric form of the augmented matrix in row-reduced form of a system of linear equations with infinitely many solutions, then show by an example how this can be used to generate specific solutions."

The most ridiculous thing to me is that this is one of the easiest questions on the exam. It will likely take me less time to do the question than it did to type it out. As much as I enjoy math most of the time (I know, I know, I'm a geek) things like this are just too much for me.

In other news, I'm having a fight with someone over a Wikipedia article. For some reason they insist on slandering my grandfather (as if he needs any more of that) with the same false information that was used against him thirty years ago. I can not even explain how angry it makes me when they talk about it as though it was fact. Sometimes I walk away from the computer shaking with anger, and there's nothing I can do about it.

However, I am convinced that I can out-stubborn anyone anywhere, and I will continue to remove the false information until the other guy gives up. And I spend a lot of time on the computer. So there.

Sometimes My Dad Can Really Redeem Himself.

Ok, so as much as he can be hurtful and make ridiculous and immature decisions sometimes, I have to admit that I will never be able to doubt that my dad loves me.

Now if only I can remember that the next time I come home from his house in tears.

Sometimes Youth Leaders Are Crazy

Tonight is the night of our Junior Youth Awake-A-Thon. That's right, we're rewarding pre-teens for every hour they manage to stay awake. Crazy? Yes. Completely and absolutely.

Even more crazy is the fact that I didn't manage to find an excuse to be away from youth group tonight. And that I'm leaving straight from the church tomorrow to pick up one G.Mango from the ferry. Let's all pray I don't run into a median like I almost did last time I made that drive on very little sleep.

On the plus side, after the perilous drive and (hopefully) a good nap, I get to go downtown and get a massage! I can not even tell you how excited I am about this. I've never had a real massage before and I so can not wait!

Hoorah for massages! Boo for staying up all night.

I am so old.

Sometimes Boys are Useful.

We really need a boy in this house sometimes. I just found a GIANT spider in the bathroom and Ashley and I got in a big argument over who had to deal with it. In the end we decided on my mom, but she wasn't willing to help, seeing as she was on the phone. So I dealt with it. By closing the door and walking away.

Does anyone have a shower I can use for the next few days? Mine seems to be occupied.

Sometimes a Person Needs to do What's Best to Preserve Their Sanity

But it sucks when what's best will also make you poor.

Sometimes My Mom Is Such A Kid

Tonight I went bowling with my mom and Ingrid and Aly. I don't know how long it's been since my mom bowled, but she didn't even remember how the game worked. It was quite amusing. She got a grand total of 60 on the first game. But then, that beats Ingrid's 17.

My Mom on strikes:

• "Look what I got!! Look! Look!" (shouted while jumping up and down and pointing at the screen which proclaimed her name above a giant X)
• "Hey, I got two of those this game!"
• "The only thing about strikes is that you only get to throw one ball." (picture a disappointed frown and furrowed brow)

She really is the perfect elementary school teacher. However, I guess she did have a reason to be in a good mood tonight. Because after a day filled with CT scans, ultrasounds and neurological testing at the hospital, my mom is officially stroke-free!! Hoorah!

Also, I just got home to a letter from my school containing a cheque for $200! That means I am now debt-free and able to start saving for next semester! Yipee skippee!

After a slightly shaky start, today has shaped up to be not so bad after all. I like that. Now if I can just make it through the rest of this week.

Sometimes I Can't Handle It.

Ok, what is with all the weddings this summer? In August:

Allie and Paul
Michelle and Mike (Ok, it's just their reception, but I'm not so sure I can afford to go to the wedding in the Dominican Republic in July)
Shawn and Emma
Jenny and Michael
Justin and Margaret

Five weddings in a month! What's up with that? I'm obviously not going to be able to go to them all, and I'm not entirely sure how to go about choosing. Though I should probably wait to be invited to all of them first...

I'm just very glad that the majority of them are at least a few years older than me. Otherwise this would be way too scary.

Weddings. Yeesh.

Sometimes My Inner Thesaurus is Broken

Ever write a thousand word paper that you swear has only six different words in it? That's where I'm at now.

I feel like I could do a better job of this in French. And that's really sad.

Anyone feel like writing a paper on gender roles in Canada in the 1920s?

Sometimes I Love My Brother

Actually, these days I often love him. Today I love him for two reasons. (Besides the fact that he's my brother and I hafta):

First, he's working for me tonight, which means I can stay home and finish up these papers and things.

Second, I just made him go grocery shopping with me and we had so much fun! I really love hanging out with him. We always have such a blast!

Hoorah for big brothers!!!

Sometimes I Need to Lift My Eyes Up

1) So, directly after the last post I walked up to UVic for my choir practice. I was about half way there when I smelled one of my favourite smells in the world. I looked up, and lo and behold, there was a cherry tree in full blossom! I glanced around and realized that all the cherry trees were blossoming. Not only that, but they were even starting to get their leaves, which means they've been blossoming for quite some time and I never even noticed!!! How is that even possible? Cherry blossom time is one of my most favourite times of year and I almost missed it! I have been way too busy with school and work this year. Way too busy.

2) I'm taking the day off of classes and work tomorrow to write papers. Is that counter-productive? I hope not.

17c) I took Aly to play on the playground of my old elementary school tonight. I found it very interesting that things I could do without hesitation at the age of ten scared the crap out of me tonight. Apparently I can no longer run along the top of the monkey bars or flip off the high bar. Strange how that is.

3) I just saw three guys cycling down the road. Two on bikes and one on a unicycle. Is that normal?

q) My kids from UrbanPromise are coming this weekend! I am so excited! Also, does anyone have a sleeping bag they want to lend them for Saturday and Sunday night?

last one) I need to take a break from life. Wilderness trip, anyone?

Sometimes School Is So Uplifting

Today at school I learned about:

a) child abuse and maltreatment
b) the depression
c) the salem witch trials
d) BC's Japanese internment camps

I am so ready to quit society.

Sometimes I'm Too Easily Distracted

My school finally has wireless internet! Hoorah!

Ok, so maybe it's not so good on the homework front, but hoorah for being able to be distracted by msn wherever I go! And I don't even have to buy a five dollar bowl of soup anymore! Life is good.

Sometimes I Love Books.

I'm reading Life of Pi right now, and I'm quite pleasantly surprised by how much I like it. It's definitely a new way of looking at things, some of which I agree with and some of which I do not...but it's nice to get a new perspective.

Here's one of my favourite quotes as of yet:

Having just explained why animals in a zoo (such as the one owned by his father) likely experience far more freedom than animals in the wild, Pi has this to say:

"But I don't insist. I don't mean to defend zoos. Close them all down if you want (and let us hope that what wildlife that remains can survive in what is left of the natural world). I know zoos are no longer in people's good graces. Religion faces the same problem. Certain illusions about freedom plague them both."

Yeah, I like this book.

Sometimes Lent is Great!

I know this isn't really the point of it, but Lent sure makes you realize how much time (slash money slash energy etc) you waste on stupid things through most of the year. Also, it can make you very productive.

Makes me wonder what else I should give up to improve my
life. . .there's something to ponder.

Sometimes A Year Passes So Quickly

Brittany Fehr
April 29 1985 - February 27 2005

They called her "Mother Teresa in dreadlocks."

Beautiful, loving, caring, compassionate, faithful, prayerful, fun.

She transformed the lives of others in her life and in her death.

I miss you, Britt.

Sometimes I Hate Technology

My sister just brought over her old cell phone for me and/or my mom. Apparently we're going to share it as a pay as you go...which means that I'm going to be forced to carry it around so my mom can find me.

I hate cell phones so much! I so do not want this phone. Safety safety blah blah blah...if people lasted for so long without cell phones, I don't see why they're so necessary now. Sigh...well at least I still have the ability to turn it off when I want to. Stupid cell phones. Stupid technology.

Sometimes Cold Is Fun

This weekend I went camping with Lizzy, Joel, Dillon, and John. We drove 45 minutes to Shawnigan Lake, then an hour down an icy logging road to the first frozen lake I have ever seen!



It wasn't frozen enough to stand on, but it was frozen enough to enjoy. We spent many an hour with the HMS Wheelie, tossing him in and trying to get him back to shore. It's amazing how we can entertain ourselves in the wilderness.

Here's the boys with Wheelie. I think this was when they were actually trying to sink her before we left. Despite the freezing cold weather and the falling snow, the trip was a blast and I'm so glad I went. You will never be able to convince me that winter camping is a bad thing. NEVER!

Sometimes I'm So Silly

A word to the wise:

Do not get dressed for winter camping and then walk to Tim Horton's for breakfast. You will be too hot and they will not have any croissants.

Sometimes I'm Too Fearful

Lately I've been overcome with an irrational fear of someone I love dying. Sometimes the fear is completely suffocating and I actually manage to convince myself that someone is dead and I just don't know yet. You'd think I'd be able to talk myself out of this, but there's one thing nagging at the back of my mind:

The last time I felt this fear was a year ago. Then, on February 27th 2005, beautiful Brittany Fehr, along with her brother Jordan and his fiancee Jamie, died in a car accident outside of Winnipeg. I miss Britt. I'm still sad that she never made it to China, I still wonder where she'd be now if she was still around and I still wish I could have said goodbye.

I don't think I'm ready to deal with this again. I really hope I won't have to, but I just can't rid myself of this fear.

Sometimes I'm So Good It's Scary

Procrastination: A Breakdown

Since returning home from school at 2pm today I have accomplished the following:

1) a one hour nap
2) quality time with mom, spent cheering on our Olympic athletes
3) four loads of laundry
4) learned to hand-wash clothes
5) listened to my mom's stories of the "old days" (when all clothes were hand-washed)
6) made tomorrow's lunch
7) made plans with my "roomie" for Starbucks at 7:30am
8) blogged twice
9) lost a game of tic tac toe
10) won a game of tic tac toe
11) wondered why it's called tic tac toe
12) did some math homework (and I never do math homework)
13) read approximately 27 words from my textbook and about another twelve or so from my notes

I am the best procrastinator ever!

Next up: cleaning the bathroom.

Sometimes I Don't Wanna

I have a midterm tomorrow. I don't wanna study. So far so good. We'll see what I have to say about that tomorrow afternoon! But hey, it's only one class. Who needs to pass them all anyway?

Also, I am SO HAPPY about the sunshine as of late! Hoorah for lots of walking, square-balling and sidewalk-chalking! (Did I mention I was with the kids in Vancouver this weekend?)

Someday I'm going to have to think of something more witty/interesting to write on here. Sorry 'bout that.

Sometimes the Paper is so Insightful

A quote from the National Post today:

"Different is different for different people."

Brilliant, no?

Sometimes I'm Sick.

It's the weekend. So of course I am sick. So much for getting things done this weekend.

I want to die.

Instead, I will sleep.

Sometimes I can't tell.

Sometimes I can't tell whether my employer is tricky or confused. For example: my schedule for January was given to me on January 9 (when I returned from the vdot). Tonight, she decided to give me a heads up for the first bit of February. On the piece of paper she handed me was my schedule from now until February 6. I work every day from now until forever (some days I'm working twice).

I am especially working every time any of the following occur at my church:
a) student dinner
b) sunday school
c) church service
d) Bible study
e) anything else geared towards young adults.

She's my pastor. Isn't she supposed to encourage me to engage in fellowship???

So anyway, I'm not sure if she knows she added a million and one dates to the original schedule and just didn't want to say anything, or if she's just forgetful and confused. Either way, I'm frustrated. I really thought I was going to be able to go to Bible study this week.

I officially quit my hopeful thinking and resign to a life of school and work and nothing else.

I want to cry.

Sometimes I need to be vulnerable.

I've stopped praying.

Not 100% stopped. . .but more or less, it's over. Even when I'm able to choke out a word or two there just isn't any heart in it. And the reason? I can't stand to be hurt again.

I know that sounds strange. But honestly, what else am I supposed to feel? I spend hours upon hours pouring my heart out to God, crying, begging for His healing, His protection, His love to be poured out upon someone I love dearly. I pray for specific things. One night of safety. One specific circumstance to go well. But whatever I do, my prayers remain unanswered.

And each time this happens I feel the incredible pain of disappointment crushing me. I feel let down. I feel ignored. I feel like God's turned his back on me and on my friend. I feel angry. I feel all sorts of things that a "good Christian" wouldn't and shouldn't feel.

And finally I figured it out: if I don't pray, if I don't take the time to pour out my heart and beg for help, it doesn't hurt as much to see the situation remain unchanged.

I still hurt for my friend. I still cry for her, and I still do everything I can do to help her, but somehow I feel like I can survive much better without prayer.

I'm scared to let this out. I'm scared of every possible response, from condemnation to Sunday School answers. But I don't really know what it is that I'm looking for. Maybe I'm just venting. Maybe I need someone to point me back in the right direction. Or maybe I'm just done with God. I don't know.

Sometimes mangoes don't believe in me.

Especially green mangoes.

So take this, my unripe friend: I went to the gym again today. By myself. Without the support of my mother OR my sister.

Ok, be proud now. You promised!

Sometimes my intentions are better than my habits.

Eight thirty classes every morning. So far so good. Using my relatively free afternoons to get ahead on schoolwork...not so much.

I even lugged my laptop and a thousand books all the way to school today so I wouldn't have an excuse to go home early. So what do I do? I take said laptop to the nearby trendy cafe where there is wireless internet and proceed to talk on msn, send emails, and blog. Not only that, but in order to get to sit in the cafe I had to buy a five dollar bowl of soup. SOUP! And it's not even a big bowl! Good thing I supplied my own sandwich.

Furthermore, I just spoke to my good friend ej on msn, and she is now on her way to join me for a fun-filled afternoon of studying. We'll see how that goes. Ah well, at least it'll be fun!

They don't give out enough crackers with their soup here.

Sometimes I'm So Virtuous!

I did it!

I just got back from the gym.

Be proud. Ready? Go.

Sometimes Games Can Be Fun.

Tag. I should be used to it by now, what with all the little kids in my life. Here's the latest version, introduced to me by my buddy Kailyn. Hopefully it'll be a good break from this stupid scholarship application that's been taking me all day.

Allow me to introduce:
Two Tag!

Two names you go by:
1. Julie Anna
2. Jules

Two parts of your heritage:
1. Finnish
2. Native American (apparently way back somewhere)

Two things that scare you:
1. A room full of strangers that I have to interact with.
2. Lung Cancer

Two of your everyday essentials:
1. Milk
2. Naps

Two things you're wearing right now:
1. Pajama Pants
2. Mortimer, my trusty watch

Two things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
1. Understanding
2. Back rubs


Two truths:
1. Milk. It does a body good.
2. Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:39

Two physical things that appeal to you (in the oposite sex):
1. Big (ie tall and broad-shouldered)
2. A great smile that makes lots of appearances

Two of your favourite hobbies:
1. Soccer!!!
2. Reading.

Two things you want really badly:
1. The big scholarship
2. To be able to spend more time with my UP kids.

Two places you want to go on vacation:
1. Salzberg
2. Greece

Two things you want to do before you die:
1. See hurting friends healed.
2. Have a family.

Two ways that you are stereotypically a chick:
1. Baths.
2. I cry too much.

Two things you are thinking about right now:
1. the big scholarship
2. how I need to go to the gym soon. (ten more minutes...)

Two stores you shop at:
1. Ricki's
2. Bolen Books
(ok, that one took like ten minutes...apparently I don't shop a whole lot these days.)

Next comes the fun part...let's see...there's no point in tagging g.mango, because she won't do it. So I tag...all of Kaleo! And Amber specifically on her blog! And Zenith! Fun times.

Sometimes There is a Lack of Inspiration

Sorry for the lack of posts these last two weeks, but the inspiration, it is just not coming.

Not that my life hasn't been exciting as of late. I just spent a week in the vdot as a stand-in roomie for a certain green mango. I went to work with her, learned about learning styles, hung out with some youths, watched some highschool basketball, ate at Mongolian (it had been far too long) and had my purse stolen by someone on the drive.

I don't know if stolen is the right word. But it sounds better than "I left my purse in Starbucks on the drive and didn't notice it was missing until three hours later". But really, let's be honest here...the thing was gone 2.5 seconds after I walked out of the store.

So, joy of all joys, I get to spend my first week back at school running around to various official-type offices and replacing every piece of ID I've ever owned. Yippee skippee. Doesn't everyone love official-type offices?

That's what I thought.