Sometimes I need to be vulnerable.

I've stopped praying.

Not 100% stopped. . .but more or less, it's over. Even when I'm able to choke out a word or two there just isn't any heart in it. And the reason? I can't stand to be hurt again.

I know that sounds strange. But honestly, what else am I supposed to feel? I spend hours upon hours pouring my heart out to God, crying, begging for His healing, His protection, His love to be poured out upon someone I love dearly. I pray for specific things. One night of safety. One specific circumstance to go well. But whatever I do, my prayers remain unanswered.

And each time this happens I feel the incredible pain of disappointment crushing me. I feel let down. I feel ignored. I feel like God's turned his back on me and on my friend. I feel angry. I feel all sorts of things that a "good Christian" wouldn't and shouldn't feel.

And finally I figured it out: if I don't pray, if I don't take the time to pour out my heart and beg for help, it doesn't hurt as much to see the situation remain unchanged.

I still hurt for my friend. I still cry for her, and I still do everything I can do to help her, but somehow I feel like I can survive much better without prayer.

I'm scared to let this out. I'm scared of every possible response, from condemnation to Sunday School answers. But I don't really know what it is that I'm looking for. Maybe I'm just venting. Maybe I need someone to point me back in the right direction. Or maybe I'm just done with God. I don't know.