Sometimes it Just Fits.

Today is Holy Saturday.

I always used to think of this day as a pause in the Easter story, when all the disciples had their sabbath, did their regular sabbath things and forgot about the fact that Jesus had just died. In my own self-centred world, I sort of subconsciously assumed that they knew (as I have always known) that the darkness was temporary, and that much greater things were coming.

Today I saw Holy Saturday for what it is.

Darkness, confusion, pain, grief, frustration, loneliness. Just imagine what this must have really been like for the followers of Jesus. You have left behind your entire life to follow this man because you know that He is Truth. You devote your life to Him and his teachings, radically rearranging not only your way of life, but your whole way of thinking, of being.

Then suddenly, everything you ever thought you knew crumbles. You find yourself wondering if you were wrong. If you had thrown away years of your life for a lie. You are ashamed at how quickly you turned from what once had been your sole reason for living. You feel betrayed. You feel confused. You are overcome with anguish. You can't even imagine life going on this way.

And yet somehow, there is this irrational belief, deep in the core of your being, that you are not wrong. That Truth is still Truth, no matter how little sense it makes. That Truth is still Truth no matter how much you're hurting. But the pain still blinds you. Still makes it impossible for you to act on your beliefs. You remain lost, and you don't know how to find your way out of this place of fear, loss, confusion and mourning. This place of darkness.

All my life I have struggled to really understand the Holy Days. "This year," I tell myself, "I will meditate on the resurrection of Christ and really feel the joy that I'm supposed to feel, at just the right moment." It has always been a point of contention between my mind and my heart that I could never create these feelings.

Today I felt Holy Saturday. Because it fit. I have been living in Holy Saturday for the last couple of years. Tonight, as my brothers and sisters in Christ shared this day of darkness with me, I felt so blessed. Tonight I felt a peace like I have not felt in a very long time. Not because the darkness is lifting, but because now I know that it's ok to be in darkness.

The light will come again.