Sometimes I can't tell whether my employer is tricky or confused. For example: my schedule for January was given to me on January 9 (when I returned from the vdot). Tonight, she decided to give me a heads up for the first bit of February. On the piece of paper she handed me was my schedule from now until February 6. I work every day from now until forever (some days I'm working twice).
I am especially working every time any of the following occur at my church:
a) student dinner
b) sunday school
c) church service
d) Bible study
e) anything else geared towards young adults.
She's my pastor. Isn't she supposed to encourage me to engage in fellowship???
So anyway, I'm not sure if she knows she added a million and one dates to the original schedule and just didn't want to say anything, or if she's just forgetful and confused. Either way, I'm frustrated. I really thought I was going to be able to go to Bible study this week.
I officially quit my hopeful thinking and resign to a life of school and work and nothing else.
I want to cry.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Sometimes I need to be vulnerable.
I've stopped praying.
Not 100% stopped. . .but more or less, it's over. Even when I'm able to choke out a word or two there just isn't any heart in it. And the reason? I can't stand to be hurt again.
I know that sounds strange. But honestly, what else am I supposed to feel? I spend hours upon hours pouring my heart out to God, crying, begging for His healing, His protection, His love to be poured out upon someone I love dearly. I pray for specific things. One night of safety. One specific circumstance to go well. But whatever I do, my prayers remain unanswered.
And each time this happens I feel the incredible pain of disappointment crushing me. I feel let down. I feel ignored. I feel like God's turned his back on me and on my friend. I feel angry. I feel all sorts of things that a "good Christian" wouldn't and shouldn't feel.
And finally I figured it out: if I don't pray, if I don't take the time to pour out my heart and beg for help, it doesn't hurt as much to see the situation remain unchanged.
I still hurt for my friend. I still cry for her, and I still do everything I can do to help her, but somehow I feel like I can survive much better without prayer.
I'm scared to let this out. I'm scared of every possible response, from condemnation to Sunday School answers. But I don't really know what it is that I'm looking for. Maybe I'm just venting. Maybe I need someone to point me back in the right direction. Or maybe I'm just done with God. I don't know.
Not 100% stopped. . .but more or less, it's over. Even when I'm able to choke out a word or two there just isn't any heart in it. And the reason? I can't stand to be hurt again.
I know that sounds strange. But honestly, what else am I supposed to feel? I spend hours upon hours pouring my heart out to God, crying, begging for His healing, His protection, His love to be poured out upon someone I love dearly. I pray for specific things. One night of safety. One specific circumstance to go well. But whatever I do, my prayers remain unanswered.
And each time this happens I feel the incredible pain of disappointment crushing me. I feel let down. I feel ignored. I feel like God's turned his back on me and on my friend. I feel angry. I feel all sorts of things that a "good Christian" wouldn't and shouldn't feel.
And finally I figured it out: if I don't pray, if I don't take the time to pour out my heart and beg for help, it doesn't hurt as much to see the situation remain unchanged.
I still hurt for my friend. I still cry for her, and I still do everything I can do to help her, but somehow I feel like I can survive much better without prayer.
I'm scared to let this out. I'm scared of every possible response, from condemnation to Sunday School answers. But I don't really know what it is that I'm looking for. Maybe I'm just venting. Maybe I need someone to point me back in the right direction. Or maybe I'm just done with God. I don't know.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Sometimes mangoes don't believe in me.
Especially green mangoes.
So take this, my unripe friend: I went to the gym again today. By myself. Without the support of my mother OR my sister.
Ok, be proud now. You promised!
So take this, my unripe friend: I went to the gym again today. By myself. Without the support of my mother OR my sister.
Ok, be proud now. You promised!
Sometimes my intentions are better than my habits.
Eight thirty classes every morning. So far so good. Using my relatively free afternoons to get ahead on schoolwork...not so much.
I even lugged my laptop and a thousand books all the way to school today so I wouldn't have an excuse to go home early. So what do I do? I take said laptop to the nearby trendy cafe where there is wireless internet and proceed to talk on msn, send emails, and blog. Not only that, but in order to get to sit in the cafe I had to buy a five dollar bowl of soup. SOUP! And it's not even a big bowl! Good thing I supplied my own sandwich.
Furthermore, I just spoke to my good friend ej on msn, and she is now on her way to join me for a fun-filled afternoon of studying. We'll see how that goes. Ah well, at least it'll be fun!
They don't give out enough crackers with their soup here.
I even lugged my laptop and a thousand books all the way to school today so I wouldn't have an excuse to go home early. So what do I do? I take said laptop to the nearby trendy cafe where there is wireless internet and proceed to talk on msn, send emails, and blog. Not only that, but in order to get to sit in the cafe I had to buy a five dollar bowl of soup. SOUP! And it's not even a big bowl! Good thing I supplied my own sandwich.
Furthermore, I just spoke to my good friend ej on msn, and she is now on her way to join me for a fun-filled afternoon of studying. We'll see how that goes. Ah well, at least it'll be fun!
They don't give out enough crackers with their soup here.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Sometimes Games Can Be Fun.
Tag. I should be used to it by now, what with all the little kids in my life. Here's the latest version, introduced to me by my buddy Kailyn. Hopefully it'll be a good break from this stupid scholarship application that's been taking me all day.
Allow me to introduce:
Two Tag!
Two names you go by:
1. Julie Anna
2. Jules
Two parts of your heritage:
1. Finnish
2. Native American (apparently way back somewhere)
Two things that scare you:
1. A room full of strangers that I have to interact with.
2. Lung Cancer
Two of your everyday essentials:
1. Milk
2. Naps
Two things you're wearing right now:
1. Pajama Pants
2. Mortimer, my trusty watch
Two things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
1. Understanding
2. Back rubs
Two truths:
1. Milk. It does a body good.
2. Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:39
Two physical things that appeal to you (in the oposite sex):
1. Big (ie tall and broad-shouldered)
2. A great smile that makes lots of appearances
Two of your favourite hobbies:
1. Soccer!!!
2. Reading.
Two things you want really badly:
1. The big scholarship
2. To be able to spend more time with my UP kids.
Two places you want to go on vacation:
1. Salzberg
2. Greece
Two things you want to do before you die:
1. See hurting friends healed.
2. Have a family.
Two ways that you are stereotypically a chick:
1. Baths.
2. I cry too much.
Two things you are thinking about right now:
1. the big scholarship
2. how I need to go to the gym soon. (ten more minutes...)
Two stores you shop at:
1. Ricki's
2. Bolen Books
(ok, that one took like ten minutes...apparently I don't shop a whole lot these days.)
Next comes the fun part...let's see...there's no point in tagging g.mango, because she won't do it. So I tag...all of Kaleo! And Amber specifically on her blog! And Zenith! Fun times.
Allow me to introduce:
Two Tag!
Two names you go by:
1. Julie Anna
2. Jules
Two parts of your heritage:
1. Finnish
2. Native American (apparently way back somewhere)
Two things that scare you:
1. A room full of strangers that I have to interact with.
2. Lung Cancer
Two of your everyday essentials:
1. Milk
2. Naps
Two things you're wearing right now:
1. Pajama Pants
2. Mortimer, my trusty watch
Two things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
1. Understanding
2. Back rubs
Two truths:
1. Milk. It does a body good.
2. Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:39
Two physical things that appeal to you (in the oposite sex):
1. Big (ie tall and broad-shouldered)
2. A great smile that makes lots of appearances
Two of your favourite hobbies:
1. Soccer!!!
2. Reading.
Two things you want really badly:
1. The big scholarship
2. To be able to spend more time with my UP kids.
Two places you want to go on vacation:
1. Salzberg
2. Greece
Two things you want to do before you die:
1. See hurting friends healed.
2. Have a family.
Two ways that you are stereotypically a chick:
1. Baths.
2. I cry too much.
Two things you are thinking about right now:
1. the big scholarship
2. how I need to go to the gym soon. (ten more minutes...)
Two stores you shop at:
1. Ricki's
2. Bolen Books
(ok, that one took like ten minutes...apparently I don't shop a whole lot these days.)
Next comes the fun part...let's see...there's no point in tagging g.mango, because she won't do it. So I tag...all of Kaleo! And Amber specifically on her blog! And Zenith! Fun times.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Sometimes There is a Lack of Inspiration
Sorry for the lack of posts these last two weeks, but the inspiration, it is just not coming.
Not that my life hasn't been exciting as of late. I just spent a week in the vdot as a stand-in roomie for a certain green mango. I went to work with her, learned about learning styles, hung out with some youths, watched some highschool basketball, ate at Mongolian (it had been far too long) and had my purse stolen by someone on the drive.
I don't know if stolen is the right word. But it sounds better than "I left my purse in Starbucks on the drive and didn't notice it was missing until three hours later". But really, let's be honest here...the thing was gone 2.5 seconds after I walked out of the store.
So, joy of all joys, I get to spend my first week back at school running around to various official-type offices and replacing every piece of ID I've ever owned. Yippee skippee. Doesn't everyone love official-type offices?
That's what I thought.
Not that my life hasn't been exciting as of late. I just spent a week in the vdot as a stand-in roomie for a certain green mango. I went to work with her, learned about learning styles, hung out with some youths, watched some highschool basketball, ate at Mongolian (it had been far too long) and had my purse stolen by someone on the drive.
I don't know if stolen is the right word. But it sounds better than "I left my purse in Starbucks on the drive and didn't notice it was missing until three hours later". But really, let's be honest here...the thing was gone 2.5 seconds after I walked out of the store.
So, joy of all joys, I get to spend my first week back at school running around to various official-type offices and replacing every piece of ID I've ever owned. Yippee skippee. Doesn't everyone love official-type offices?
That's what I thought.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
